Tuesday, February 03, 2004

At last, it is time for The Tournament to continue. Drew, it's all yours. (For anyone that has no idea what this is, click here for Round 1.)

The Sandman's Uber-Supreme Championship of Toughness

Well, it’s been a long time coming, but I finally decided to take some more of my precious study time away and write the second round. I’d like to give a shout out to the many millions of new readers from AstrosDaily. Jack thinks that writing more about baseball will bring you in, but we all know the truth. You all want to see who’s tough. So, without further delay or rambling from me, I will get down to it. Let’s get it on!

Mr. T vs. John Wayne
Wow! Can I just say that before I get started? What terrible luck it is that these two guys would have to meet in the second round. Both seem pretty ├╝ber if you think about it. However, this tournament is not about perceived toughness, it is about how many hot dogs one can eat! Wait, sorry, I just reverted to Harry Carry-mode. I guess I just got a little excited about Vandy’s win over Kentucky last night and remembered the good times with the Wadester and the Maniacs. Good times Norm. Anyway, these two guys were both college football players. Can you imagine Mr. T attempting to tackle you? Hell, I would soil myself right there. On the other side, John Wayne played several years at USC. Props go to the USC Trojans this year for having a great season and getting second place. I’m sure it would have made The Duke proud; although if he had been on the team, there’s no way miniscule California would have taken them down. Alright, let’s get down to it. I mentioned in the first round that Mr. T was America’s Toughest Bouncer. Well, unluckily for him, John Wayne has developed a fighting style that’s perfectly designed to fight a bouncer. His friend once bet him that if they stood on opposite sides of a newspaper, The Duke couldn’t hit him. He laid the paper down in a doorway, and just when Wayne was about to swing, he shut the door. To most people, this would have caused a problem, but never count his Dukeness out. Wayne punched through the door and floored his buddy. Ok, that’s what John Wayne did to his friend, imagine what he’d do to T. Geez, I can’t believe I just made Mr. T lose.

Alexander Karelin vs. Jet Li
Alright all of you martial arts fans out there. I’m sure most of you are counting this match as over and done with before I write anymore. Well, if there’s one thing that the Ultimate Fighting Championship has shown us, it is that grappling and wrestling are invaluable skills when fighting. So, this should be a pretty good match. At this point I’m just going to describe a little bit more about Karelin, dubbed The Experiment, for those of you who don’t know too much about him. If you’ll remember, Karelin KO’d Hulk Hogan last round with something called the reverse body lift. This move is Karelin’s signature move, and it has been the end of many of the world’s finest Olympic wrestlers. Let me just give you a description of the move: “First he wraps his arms around the stomach of his prone opponent and rolls him over in the ‘gut wrencher.’ Then, as the muscles in his massive arms and legs come alive as if there are snakes under his skin, he lifts the helpless guy up and tosses him over his shoulder. Greco-Roman wrestling, unlike freestyle wrestling, allows only upper body grappling. Throws are not uncommon, except in the superheavyweight division, for who could pick up a squirming 300-pound body? Karelin can.” It’s called “the most painful, frightening, and humiliating move in wrestling.” Yeah, that’s pretty tough. Ok, so why am I bringing up this throw maneuver so much? If you’ll remember when Jet Li first introduced himself to American audiences, it was in the movie, Lethal Weapon 4. In the climactic scene, Li squares off against Danny Glover and Mel Gibson. Of course, everyone knew that Li was going to lose, but it should have come from some unbelievable luck from the dynamic duo. NO! They actually held their own against Jet for a while. The key move in this analysis comes during this fight. Jet Li, master of Chinese martial arts, gets picked up by an old guy and thrown over his shoulder. This sounds eerily similar to Karelin. I’m sorry Jet, I know you’re fast, but how are you going to take out a man who weighs 300 lbs and is every bit as fast as you? Karelin ends up putting Li in the reverse body lift, and he still hasn’t landed.

Dolph Lundgren vs. Sylvester Stallone
Here’s a great rematch for ya. Rocky IV’s climactic final fight was one of the greatest boxing fights of cinematic history. The hulking Russian vs. the smaller, but still beast, American. Rocky, Stallone, won that fight of course. That, however, was in movieland, and we all know that Dolph Lundgren always gets his butt wrapped up and handed to him in a basket in movieland. I’m just going to make this short and sweet. Remember, that Stallone’s only formal training was getting some boxing lessons while filming the Rocky movies. Lundgren undoubtedly got the same type of training. This should give the edge slightly to Stallone since he did five movies in the Rocky series. Unfortunately, when you add in Lundgren’s karate skills, the match just gets silly. The European heavyweight karate champion is going to destroy the fictional world boxing champion. I wish I could add more to this analysis, but Stallone just doesn’t belong here in the second round.

Bruce Lee vs. Lou Ferrigno
I shall call this match, the Berzerker Match. Both of these fighters have the berzerker-mode option. Ferrigno, as you recall, played the Hulk in its original form. There was no need to make him a CGI character when Ferrigno was around. He was TOUGH! For the uneducated and utterly hopeless people reading this, I’ll give a bit of an explanation. When a wimpy scientist guy gets a little miffed, his body expands and he rips through his clothes (saving us the horror at looking at a green pecker of course) becoming the Hulk. Bruce Lee has a similar mode. The few times that he seems to be having a little bit of trouble in his fights, Bruce usually just kinda looks at the guy, tastes his own blood, rips his shirt off, then flexes for a bit. I’ve never seen anyone that had more control over every single muscle in his body. Well, once he’s in that mode, there’s just no stopping him. Not even claws, ala Vega from Street Fighter, can stop him. Ok, so it’s Hulk vs. enraged little Chinese man. I mean, the Hulk could throw a tank for miles, how’s he going to have trouble with Lee. Well, the Hulk was not supposed to be that strong, it was just a little exaggeration on the part of Ang Lee, who made the recent dud of a movie. The other weakness Ferrigno has for him is that the Hulk is fictional. I’m sure you all knew that this observation was coming, but after the cheap shot I gave you all with the Stallone/Lundgren fight being so short, I thought that I would make this one a bit longer. In truth, this fight is probably over much quicker. Bruce Lee doesn’t even have to resort to berzerker-mode because Ferrigno won’t even be able to hit him. Sorry Lou, but Bruce Lee finds you quite cute and cuddly when you’re angry.

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